This last week and a half have consisted of visits to the doctor for Caleb. At first, the doctor suspected that he had a urinary tract infection and took some of his urine. The test came back negative. I took him back today because his urine has been smelling like ammonia again. The doctor is going to test his urine a second time, but is pretty skeptical that the results will reveal anything. She seemed pretty befuddled as to why Caleb’s urine smells the way it does, so we are being referred to a urologist. There is a chance there may be something wrong with his kidneys.
So, please pray for us as we try to figure out what is going on with his little body. My mommy’s heart is tempted to be anxious. It is one thing to say that I need to hold onto my children with open hands because my children belong to the Lord, but it is a whole other thing to really do it. Now. Pray for our Boo-Boos!
Not since Joshua Lee was born–though that day is coming quickly! Our little boy is nearly three years old and I am enjoying his little personality more and more each day. But three years ago this day, while we were all excited about Joshua coming into our lives, one of the most shocking things happened. My little brother died.
His name was Lee Michael– and you will find part of Joshua’s namesake there. He was a seventeen years old punky kid who loved the Lord–and I think he was a far more gifted individual than I. If he were with us today he would have completed a year of college by now, probably still have some crazy hairdo, and likely contemplating spending his life being a heavy metal worship band leader, if any such thing is possible (?). He was far less concerned with what people thought than me, and got away with a lot more cause he was the third child and people expected it. At least that is what I think. And I think he would have really enjoyed his nephew. They would have certainly been a silly pair together. I don’t think Lee really knew what to do with little kids, but I am sure if we left him in the same room with Joshua long enough we would have all found oodles of entertainment.
But then I got a phone call from my mother… there was an accident and Lee was gone. I was shocked, and went to get Veronique from work and we began the long ride home from Minneapolis to Slayton. I eventually learned in that ride that this was no accident, but Lee was a case of teenage suicide and my poor sister had found him.
I had held to a Reformed view of God for a few years by then. For those who do not know what that means, it revolves around the understanding that God’s wisdom and power are beyond what man can fathom, and ultimately all things come into existence by his bidding. Isaiah 46:8-13 and Psalms 135:5-6 will give you a good summary of this understanding of God, which is smeared on just about every page of the Bible and applied to Jesus himself in Colossians 1:15-19 and Hebrews 1. But what does that mean in the face of something like this? I will be frank here. We all know how sickening it can be when something so important as the character of God becomes a silly, simple academic debate more about proving the extent of our own knowledge than it is about coming to know our Creator better. No one is really satisfied with this in their day to day life, nor does it nourish the soul and bring about holiness. And in the face of one of the most horrible evils on the planet, it does not satisfy in these times either. When the opportunity comes where we are faced with the depths of evil yet present in the human heart, we need more grace than academic understanding will bring. We need knowledge of God that is intimate. This kind of knowledge brings us to a state of wonder–and ultimately trust–often in spite of flowing tears.
Sin is rampant in this world, and will leave its terrible mark on everyone at one point or another. We do not blame God for the terrible things that happen in ife. We blame sin. Yet sin does not rule this world, God does. Sin does not have the last say, God does. It was He who pronounced the Curse, and it is He who has brought the Savior Christ, and it will be Him who wipes the tears away in the end and throws death into the lake of fire. In the end, sin will only accomplish what God intends for it to accomplish in this dark world, which seems to be to provide a rich and fertile soil of brokenness where hope in Christ can be grown. This hope can not die. Our great compassionate God is at work in a bitter and wicked world. It is his goal to free and save his children, and when the unthinkable happens it reminds us how much we need salvation.
“Even in the most mature Christian’s life there are deep pockets of incurable pain.” My Greek Teacher Dr. Black quoted this sentence in class, but it escapes me who originated it. In this life, it will be true. Time passes, and we think about our hurts less and less. But when the opportunity arises through the tears we will often find that the pain does not diminish They still hurt the same… but the Lord is still there to comfort. But what we hope for is the final comfort. When Christ comes again, riding on the clouds, shining like the sun, and with a trumpet call everything that is horribly wrong in this world will finally be set right. For those who trust Christ the pain will not last forever. And this ought to make us smile and the tears not so bitter.
I find that this time of the year there is a song that I always end up singing in my head as I carry out my daily chores. There just happens to be a youTube movie about it, so I will share it with you as a fitting end. It is fairly popular and most of you probably know it. The Chorus states exactly what I am trying to convey is far fewer words…
Do any of you ever struggle with the sin of anxiety? Well, I certainly do. Allow me to share with you the ways in which God has shown me His overwhelming faithfulness amidst my time of faithlessness. I am so grateful for His kindness toward this child of His!
Flashback to a few weeks ago. As many of you know, I quit my at-home job a month ago. This meant a severe detriment to our monthly income. So, Ben searched and looked for several part-time jobs. The results were not looking promising and I noticed the sin of anxiety begin to creep into my heart. At the peak of my anxiety, God did an amazing thing which humbled me greatly. He blessed Ben with another part-time job, as well as a raise at his other job. This all unraveled within a week. Isn’t God so good?
Second situation…the diagnosis of placenta previa. Despite the nurse’s assurances of having nothing to worry about, what did I do? I came back home and…worried. On Wednesday night, I shared my struggle with some girls in our community group and they were gracious, pouring over me beautiful passages of Scripture. The next day, Joshua Lee and I read through Philippians together and our time was so sweet. The Lord eased my heart and gave me peace. Then, on Thursday, Ben walks in with mail in hand. Turns out that he heard back from one of the scholarships he applied for. School for this coming year has been entirely paid for. Praise God! I was once again humbled and tears spring to my eyes even now. Here I am, a sinner in need of much grace. And, He keeps giving it to me, day after day. Who am I to deserve the Lord’s goodness toward me? God always provides for His children, what He deems good for them.
May we all continue to rejoice in the Lord amidst the trials, big and small, that He gives us. I leave you with Scripture now that has encouraged me these past few days.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I wil say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
Consider it joy, my brethren, whenever you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.James 1:2-3
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.Psalms 42:11
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